Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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