Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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