so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
