Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
