I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
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