Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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