She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
