I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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