It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
