I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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