I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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