a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
