I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
