after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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