He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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