you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
