Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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