i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
