First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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