WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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