im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
