I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
