Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
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