Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
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