Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
