I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
