Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
two words: eviction party
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
