I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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