I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Randomize
