I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
