It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
