my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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