Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Randomize
