I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
