I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Randomize
