Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
