I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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