allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
