Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
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