Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
