Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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