tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
