He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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