It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
