you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
