; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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