I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
You need Xanax blowdarts
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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