My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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