why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
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