just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
