I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
